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Tuesday, December 12th, 2000
3:01 am - I'm Evil
After a week or two of planning and preparation, my brother and I held our Christmas bash for fellow co-workers and friends. That night I learned how truly evil I can be. No, I didn't start any fights or seduce any females, but I did however, almost give everyone severe alcohol poisoning.

It all started when I took on the task of making the ultimate tropical vodka drink. Included in the mixture were mangos, bananas, kiwis, golden kiwis, oranges, limes, papaya juice, pineapple juice, kiwi melon cocktail, mango passion delight, wild berry punch, and real orange juice. [Sounds good doesn't it?] But let us not forget the final and most important ingredient, vodka, lots of it.

Anyway, at the beginning of the night, there was only 1.75 liters of Skol vodka in the mixture. After people started getting their buzz on, I secretly added another 1.75 liters. Ha ha ha, I myself know what I can handle and pride myself with the ability to take straight shots and make good stiff drinks. Let's just put this way, the punch wasn't stiff, it was rigid!

To continue, people maintained drinking as if nothing had changed. I think my magic potion was so delicious, that it was addicting, they couldn't get enough of it. Pretty soon, half the people here took a trip to planet crouton. Some puked, some passed out and didn't move for hours, while others simply can't remember what happened. Me, I was fine, but a friend put things best when he asked if I had seen his stomach lately.

One last thing, people actually asked me for the recipe. I refuse to post the exact portions of ingredients in fear of being charged with manslaughter.

current mood: accomplished

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Monday, December 11th, 2000
1:08 am - Batman
If I could be any super-hero, I'd be Batman. He has his own special, car, motorcycle, plane and boat. Batman's everyday personality, Bruce Wayne is a super cool, super intelligent millionaire. I like Batman a lot. What about you?

current mood: chipper

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Friday, November 17th, 2000
2:02 am - What I Think
Eric,

Very few people have the ability to say, "you're a fucking idiot" to someone's face. Very few people have the ability to say, "I've known you for years, we had some good times, but fuck off" to someone's face. You have this ability, and I respect you for it.

Too many people put a high value on having friends and neighbors. They do this because of the way they were raised. They're lead to believe that they should go to church and "do the right thing" because that's what needs to be done. When asked why they go to church they say, "because I believe in God", when asked why they believe in God they say "I don't know, I just do; or, my mom was a Christian" (These aren't real answers)

People in society are lead to believe certain things and not question them since birth. One of these beliefs includes the value of friends. I've had great friends before, but you know what I did, I moved to Texas and stopped talking to them. Am I lonely? Hell no, I got new friends right now that replaced the old ones. So why spend time on the computer talking to people I hardly ever see, I don't. I don't waste my time.

People are Liberals, because that's the way they were raised, but they live in a capitalistic nation in which "you work for your money." They see no irony in fact that they want to tax the guy who works , take a way is freedom, and give his money to the jackass down the street. The jack ass who didn't go to college and can't support the five kids he has while making minimum wage. The truth is, this nation should say "fuck you jack ass, you made a mistake now pay for it!"

I could go on for hours how the true meaning of life is selfishness, but I don't want to spend the time. I will leave with this, the Golden Rule preaches selfishness through selflessness. In other words, you're only treating other people nice because you want to be treated nice not because you actually want to be a nice person.

So in conclusion, I say do whatever you feel necessary to be happy (i.e. saying "fuck off" to me or your friends) A lot of people like security because they are afraid of the unknown. I'm not afraid and neither are you. I live my life selfishly and I'm fucking happy. See the fucking smile on my face, ear to ear.

- Effigy -

current mood: happy

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Tuesday, October 31st, 2000
12:52 am - One More Thing
I think my brother is building a bomb in the kitchen it smells good, but I think it's a bomb... He said he was going to make some late night grub, but food doesn't take this long to make. All I hear is small explosions and evil giggles coming from his mouth. I hope he's not making explosive enchiladas in an effort to kill me. I'll keep you posted.

current mood: Puzzled

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12:11 am - CDs Are Like Socks
Have you ever seen the little green goblins that live behind your washing machine? Well, I have, these motherfuckers are about 1-2 inches tall and have the strength and stomach of a five-year-old child.

I discovered these little demons when I tried to find out why my socks kept disappearing. Anyway, to make a long story short, I decided to sit in front of my dryer watching it to make sure that nobody was sneaking into my house and stealing my socks just to fuck with me. After about three nights of falling asleep in front of the man made contraption, nothing happened, but my socks continued to vanish. Obviously, nobody was sneaking into my house, but I still didn't know why I kept losing my socks.

I finally found the cause of my dilemma when I snuck downstairs for a 3 a.m. snack. I opened my refrigerator and heard the pitter patter of little feet. I looked over and saw a tiny verdant monster running away with one of my brand new socks in its mouth. That little piece of shit was eating it! Of course I was completely flabbergasted, there was a little green goblin living under my washing machine, and it ate socks. Let me say that again, IT ATE SOCKS!

Now, that I knew the cause of my problem, I could do something about it. Sounds cruel, but the only way to get rid of these guys is to buy a mousetrap, bait it with a piece of sock, and wait. After a couple days, I caught five of the evil little things! Since then, my socks have never disappeared.

To continue my entry, have you ever noticed that even though you don't let anybody borrow your CDs, and you don't have parties or untrustworthy people over, your CDs "magically" vanish? Well, after my washing machine episode, I'm led to believe that there are also little green or purple goblins that eat CDs, or at least steal them (I hear they like shiny objects). But anyway, where do they live, and how do they manage to always pick my favorite CDs? I realized this tonight when I went to listen to my Grassroots CD, and suddenly it's gone. I've had to buy my Deftones CD twice because of the little vermin. Frankly, they're getting on my nerves. Please help! I now have to sleep with all of my Tool CD's beneath my pillow, and it's quite annoying.

So in conclusion, CDs are like socks, they both disappear without reason.

current mood: aggravated

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Thursday, October 26th, 2000
12:36 am - Bones?
This is a real conversation between my brothers and I. It's been grammatically altered and condensed but nothing has been added or embellished.

Ajax = Me and brother/roommate
Ejacks = Oldest brother

Ajax: Hello.
Ejacks: Want to hear a fucked up story?
Ajax: Yeah sure
Ejacks: So I was wiring a second phone line for my apartment and I crawled under the house... and I found bones! I left them alone, but took the knee bone to the police
Ajax: human bones? ... a skull?
Ejacks: They didn't believe me, so I dumped it on the counter and the pig, jumps and goes, "holy shit, that's a knee!" ... sorry, no skull. They looked human, they are running a test on the bone I gave them and will have the results in a few weeks.
Ajax: Damn we're fuckin' laughing our asses off
Ejacks: Why?
Ajax: 'Cause that's SO fucked up.
Ejacks: You don't believe me?
Ajax: I believe you.
Ejacks: I was talking to my friend and I said what are the chances somebody finds a body? He said, "not good for most people." Then he said, that I do shit to have crazy ass stuff happen. I said like what?
Ajax: (like crawling under your house.)
Ejacks: He goes, "you crawled under your house to illegally run a DSL line, most people wouldn't do that. (you beat me to the punch line) Anyway, so want to hear the fucken crazy part of the story?
Ajax: Sure go ahead.
Ejacks: After I find the bone, I finish running the cable, and shower. Then put the bone in my car, drive to Subway for dinner, and then go to the police. But i don't know if it's human, yet. Looks human and it was definitely cut by a human with a tool. The lock going under my apartment was already broken (I would have broken it if I needed to, but somebody already did it for me, perhaps the killer?) There are a lot of Mexican gangs around here.
Ajax: Holy shit dude... I'd keep this quiet... you don't need a killer stickin' you under someone else's house... lol. Was the lock really old?
Ejacks: No the lock was pretty new and all the other buildings have their locks intact. This is so fucken cool!
Ajax: Can I fly there to look at them? Take a picture and scan it. You can have a caption: Eric with the knee bone.
Ejacks: I already gave the one bone to the cops, I was going to take a digital picture, but i didn't. How awesome is this?
Ajax: How many bones are there?
Ejacks: I can't wait for the test results, the one cop lost his shit when he saw it.
Ajax: It's fucking cool as shit. Why can't something like this happen to me? Take one and keep it as a souvenir! Please, it will be the best x-mas present ever. I REALLY want a bone to leave on the coffee table for people to pick up and ask about.
Ejacks: If it isn't human, I'm sure I can get it back, but if it is, then I cannot and I do not want to go under there again, it is dirty as hell (wow, that's dirty) I think it is a cool story.
Ajax: I'll crawl under the house for you to get some more bones to save, I'm dead serious. (ha ha "dead")
Ejacks: Then you can do it, but the cops are coming tonight and I bet they take everything.
Ajax: Fuck, please get a bone tonight. I'll pay you. I'm serious. If it's human, the guy is already dead and dismembered. Get anything, a finger, a femur, or a skull.
Ejacks: If I got the skull, I'm fucken keeping it and putting a candle in the mother fucker! I will not accept your money.
Ajax: So you'll give me it for free? Think of it as an archeology lesson!
Ejacks: How about a copy of the crime report and newspaper article?
Ajax: No, I want a bone!
Ejacks: You're funny as hell.
Ajax: Come on, throw me a bone friggin bone here! I'd give you a bone if I found one! This is a once in a life time opportunity!
Ejacks: But I gave the best one to them. It was cut on the thigh and the calve, and still had a small bit of tissue that held it together. It was cool. I wish I took a picture. Ok, I'll start looking, maybe I can get the police to give me a picture.
Ajax: I just want any piece, big or small.
Ejacks: The best bone is gone.
Ajax: Now, no one will believe you. In fact, I don't believe you.
Ejacks: You obviously do, because if you didn't, we would not be having this discussion. I am not an asshole, you're hurting my feelings. Now I don't want to get you a bone, besides, I will be fucking up the crime scene.
Ajax: Any good brother would get me a bone.
Ejacks: Don't you think they will look in my apartment?
Ajax: Who cares, they probably won't solve it anyway.
Ejacks: I'm a great brother, you little meanie.
Ajax: Give it to a friend to hold. Hide it. Mail it tonight!
Ejacks: You are a bad brother, but smart. Mail it tonight? Hmmmm. What if the cop shows up when I am in there?
Ajax: It's not officially a crime scene yet. You're not doing anything wrong. It's your house.
Ejacks: You're nuts, you know that?
Ajax: No I'm not, I'm smart. Now stop talking and get me a bone!
Ejacks: It's my landlord's house and running the cable and being in there could cost me the apartment.
Ajax: Stop wasting time. What are they going to do? He's already dead. Seriously, please go under there and mail us a piece tonight. We're begging you to be adventurous and send us a damn bone!
Ejacks: I will try to get something tomorrow. I will even dig for the skull, but it will cost you. If I get the skull, $750, all other bones, $100. You mail me the check the next day.
Ajax: Remember when I almost got arrested with you?
Ejacks: Which time?
Ajax: Remember last x-mas when I saved your ass by getting you a present for Amanda? No problem.
Ejacks: Thanks, you were right, thank you. In return you expect me to get you a fucken human skull?
Ajax: I'll give you eight hundred. Is the candle included?
Ejacks: Bitch, I have to go crawl under my house! Assholes, fucken assholes.
Ajax: So, I'd crawl under a house for you. We're brothers remember?
Ejacks: I didn't see any fucken skull, I am going to have to dig around.
Ajax: I just want a large piece of bone! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now go dig!

current mood: excited

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Friday, October 13th, 2000
11:09 pm - General Mission Statement
Tonight is a night that I write about nothing. As I sit here in front of the computer, wearing plastic glasses with no lenses and looking at my reflection in the black background, I decide to write about me. I can't tell you everything about myself, partly because I don't feel like writing that much, and partly because I don't know how.

Here comes the tough part, where to start. How 'bout my brother. I think he described me best when I asked why so many people came to me for relationship advice. He looked at me and replied, "Because you're detached". This puzzled me so I asked, "Detached from what"? "From the world" he said. I guess he's saying that I'm different (he just stepped on the cat). I find this funny because I look at myself as an ordinary Joe, who simply tries to be different and special.

I guess, I finally figured out what I'll use this Journal for... A jumbled collection of my thoughts, my beliefs, and my journeys. ...To be continued.

(I just started my live journal account and want to know if other people actually read this. If you do, please reply. Send anything, even an insult.)

current mood: apathetic

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Monday, October 9th, 2000
8:31 pm - About My Monkey
I got a little monkey, his name is Jingy, first name Paulo, middle name Joe. That's Paulo Joe Jingy for the mentally handicapped. He's a good little monkey, He likes to climb trees, eat bananas and smoke cigarettes. Now I know what you're thinking; what kind of an idiot would let a monkey climb trees in the middle of a city. Well, I'm not an idiot. Paulo Joe Jingy is a very good monkey, he never chases after birds, and he never uses his altitude advantage to shit on poor pedestrians who happen to be walking underneath his tree. Well, truthfully, he does like to shit on people; but they're very small poopies, and it's fucking hilarious (as long as you're not the one being shit upon). You should see someone's face when they realize that there's fecal matter in their hair. You should definitely see someone's face when they realize that the fecal matter came from a monkey named Paulo Joe Jingy.

Now, for those of you who think that a smoking monkey is something out of the ordinary your an idiot no, make that A FUCKING IDIOT (notice this is written in all capital letters implying that you're the kind of idiot who needs special schooling). Anyway you watch shows with talking horses named Ed, so what's the big deal? I know smoking isn't the healthiest of habits but it keeps him occupied when he's not releasing his bowels on top of those poor unfortunate souls. In fact, there are plenty of smoking monkeys in the world, some of them even dance and play the accordion.

Back to what I originally wanted to write about.... Some things, no matter how often you see/hear them, are still just as funny as the first time (i.e. watching Paulo Joe Jingy shitting on people). Oh, if you're ever in Austin, make sure there's not a monkey in the tree above you, especially if you're fat. For those complete morons who don't understand, I'll explain. Fat people make larger targets. And for those of you who are totally brain dead, larger targets are easier to shit upon. Now that I have been able to enlighten you all, I'm going to take Paulo Joe Jingy to the park.

current mood: amused

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2:39 am - Random Thought
Let me start off by saying that I'm better than you. I'm smarter, faster, stronger, and better looking than you. Don't try to insult me, put me in my place, or change my mind; I know I'm right and if you prove me wrong (which you won't), I'll still be right.

Fat people interest me, for several reasons. I've come to realize that most fat people fall into two categories. Most fat people are incredibly nice, outgoing, and have an incredible outlook on life. I guess they're fat and unattractive so they have to be nice in order to get dates and avoid being made fun of. The other type of fat person is mean an extremely defensive about their weight. If I were fat, I'd be the defensive type. I'd be dissatisfied with my physical appearance and would take it out on other innocent bystanders I'd also try to kill myself or at least cut off my flab with a dull rusty butter knife.

(Back to my original point) Another interesting fact about fat people is that a lot of them are unwilling to assume responsibility for the way they look (i.e. they are "big boned" or it's their "genes"). In reality the reason for their weight problem is laziness, and poor self-control. There are a lot of fat people in the mall and they seem to gather/congregate near the food-court especially around places like Cinnabon and ice cream stands... Hmmm. I work at a restaurant and fat people who "don't know why they're fat" order 18 ounce T-bones with fried onion strings and extra dressing for their salads but drink diet coke as if that's going to make a difference!

In other words, what I'm trying to say is no one should feel sorry for the obese population in the world they should feel free to call them "fat, fatty, lard ass, chubby, good year, hippo, Shamu, or any other insult involving their weight". Actually, we should feel compelled to yell these things every time we see an overweight member of the human-race walking down the street; we owe it to them. This way those who are uncomfortable with their dress/pant size will have some motivation to get off the couch and exercise or order a small popcorn instead of a large one. Basically, those who aren't happy with they way look will have a reason to diet and lose weight, and those who don't care about their appearance won't be bothered about what others say.

I've just solved America's weight problem and can die a happy man. You're welcome.

current mood: content

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